As the tears of despair and hopelessness fall from my face- I wonder, why do I have to be this strong at the age of twenty- five? Surely, someone older, wiser would be more equipped to handle and deal with all of this? I know Moses, David, Saul/ Paul all had the same struggles- not wanting to go or be led, but when You call- we go- that’s the deal. I think the worst part is this: watching a completely competent, intelligent, caring man wither away into someone almost completely unrecognizable. Someone who taught me how to fish, golf, keep my faith in the One who died for us. Life is full of paradox and juxtaposition- how does one reconcile all the things that don’t compute, don’t match up- how do I survive, go on? Keep living? The tears won’t quit- I’m a waterfall, a geyser of emotion- raw emotion- my body is betraying me- I’m crying in a roomful of people and I don’t care. My soul! The very depths of my heart are being torn apart- piece by fucking piece- unceremoniously torn strand by strand away from my being. How do I keep myself together when all I want to do is fall apart?