Pops~
(Some thoughts and memories strung together from the last several weeks)
There is still something every day that I do or say or pray or see that reminds me of you. I saw a picture of you from 2 years ago that was from Cole’s birthday party in September and a couple from mine in October- my heart is shattered, still. I need you so much- it hurts that we didn’t get more time. Your presence is missed- there’s a Pop’s sized vacancy at every function, every church service, every time I see Mamaw- it just sucks. There are still so many things I wish I could have said or asked or we could have done or experienced together and sometimes I know that’s my fault. It really hit me hard this week, how it seems like my life is not my own sometimes and yet, who’s fault is that? ha How much I’m always doing or trying to do for others directly correlates with how satisfied I feel with myself. You taught me that- mom taught me that. I think God finally did that thing where he hit me on the head with mallet and said ‘here’s your sign!’ I know I tend to do too much and try to stay busy as much as I can but sometimes..sometimes you have to stop and BREATHE for a minute. You can’t pour from an empty cup and expect to continue down the same path without any consequences (you can thank my friends for gently reminding me of this). I often admired (sometimes after the fact) how hard you worked at church and the classes you taught after you retired from the Bureau of Prisons. But you also knew how to relax and take time (I’m learning!) for you and Mamaw. You would golf as much as possible, take walks in the neighborhood together, tend to your garden, or work on something in the garage on your red work bench. (I still can’t write to you without crying.) I read a post today about “Grief” being uninvited to the holidays; and though I really think there is something to that, on the other hand, you always have an open invitation. The memories just cut so much harder and deeper into the vessels of the heart when it’s this time of year but that can’t be helped.
I didn’t cry on Thanksgiving or Black Friday- no, it wasn’t until stepping foot into church on Sunday that I fell apart; how I always have a feeling it’s going to be one of those days I don’t know. Every word spoken, every lyric sung, every moment of silence- there you were. I know these unkempt thoughts seem to be few and far between, and written down, they are; but you are in my thoughts constantly; in the melodies of my days and the dreams of my nights, you are never far.
I pray, as we continue to dive headlong into the holidays, you are ever near our hearts and minds and encourage us to take a minute to breathe in the silence of the nights and the heralding of the angels.
with love,
e
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